fumblinglilith

just want something that feels like home
from the cold wet streets and long night alone
I feel a little depleated
a little unfullfilled
slightly discarded
just something familiar would be nice
I have kissed a million tongues and none so warm and true
an embrace sincere and wanting as you
and I am not home sick.. per say
I'm just sick of living this way
step by step.. day by day
trying to find direction
the right reception
and the buzz just murmurs in my ears
the dail tone teasing my senses
and tweaking my heart
i'm just alittle girl here
when black stands next to white
looking for a mother
looking for a lover
a boss
a friend
a fighter
an enemy
a rival
an equal
some days the sun shines down
some days he touches me the right way
or I hear the right word
to soothe from time to time
but my tank is still half empty and my toes are still cold
and I just want someone to tell the truth to
to whisper the secret inside
but the sky looks as gray as my face
and sometimes I cant recognize this place
as my own
and for each stranger who passes
I find another
a new door to open to close to turn over
on my back and on my side
then back into the inside
where all the colors mix together and every voice is the same
the tone the sense the accent the way it says my name
and when I say home I don't mean it like you hear it
when i am close i dont mean it like you feel it
something like hot chocolate or tea or a puppy
not cocain or booze or even cock
i am now realizing
just a pillow and a blanket and a story that makes sense
a morning that feels like the night before

[the longing needn't seek much more]

Crossroads [Jan 5, 2008]

I should know by now that I will never have you
I can stay here and continue to wait for something once true
now forgotten
foresaken by you
a love so rich and colorful
that filled my lip and lust
with blood and wine
of 1,000 lifetimes
inside you
inside me
but, now
not to be
So what am I to do?
Go on without you
with you living in my dreams
and haunting my sheets
every face, every hand, every tongue
to yours, I do compare
and it isn't fair
you know it isn't
so the time has come
and I said yes
I have choosen
I have taken second best
It all goes back to a time before
If I would have passed my classes
If I would have cried less
the story may be diffrent
somehow
you and I both know
but the time has come
and I have choosen
I have taken second best
runner up
lazy fuck
half assed try
desperation in these trying times
The ticking clock that humms in my ears
while those 5 years laugh back at me
When the age of the years shows
My inner selves have come to blows
So it is this that I chose
I do ask... my last request
as another chapter comes to close in this never ending story
One more apology
A single tear for me
All the ones I shed for you
A lifetime left
and I'm not through
It feels better to blame you
Mistakes, my specialty
Such was true for you and me
Yet still, I do request
The least you can do for me
One last apology
Wish me well on this journey
Hope I've choosen well
Only time will tell
And time is all I have now
Sleeping in my bed
Pulling and tugging
Scratching at me
Begging for my repentence
and the single apology
from the fucked up, twisted sinner in me
But, I will wait to provide my rebutle
Until a later day, much futher away
I'm sure by then there will be much more to say
At the Crossroads

I'm a bit smitten.
tongue-tied and confused
fiending
and questioning all intent
tossing and turning over the whole of it

I just want to hang it up
put this all away
tuck it down inside
hide the phone
and start another day

but something inside lingers
a question on my mind
on my tongue

and I can't ask you
and I can't say

but you walk through the walls of my mind
tip toe tapping
all day

I get so curious about these discoveries
someone like you...shiney and new
fresh meat, fantastic
interesting
and though I'm being drastic
I'm only speaking truth

I'm am interested in all you have
to interest me
to offer me
I am fixed upon no gaurentee
I am dreaming of two wet lips
the impact on my fingertips
the fact that

i
missed
out

so it feels like a secret you're keeping
underneath your brow
and all I can do is ponder the taste
the way I'm doing now

It's been awhile
since I've gone this way
I don't think you know
the place in which that puts you
the scale
the importance
the impression
you've made

enough for me to care
to question
to proceed with caution
though much too late

and I realize I'm unrealistic
wishful and naive
but I'm being optimistic
don't seem evil yet
and I could stand the smallest chance
even if only in my fantasies

telephones got me tripped up
wireless laughs
and the voice on the other end

at least here, I can pretend
and it gives me one more reason to stay awake
one thought of something foreign, yet familiar
in this dark place, forgotten

but you
have not been
so until then
I won't be seeing you

even though,
I still do...

Moving On - May 29, 2007

not fair that it ended up this way.
not fair that this is the way it is to stay.
the way it is to be.
forced upon me.
a never ending cycle..
with either of the two
him or me
she and you


And I.. determined now... to pack up.
move on.
go far away.
make these babies.
alone.
create in me a home.
so they may know warmth.
so we may know love.
a life of my own.
all my own.
alone.
without him.
or him.
or anybody.
just my soul.my pride.my babies.and me.
myself..in the end, my only guarantee.

Will I be satisfied?
a prison.
a clue.
never knowing.
with or without you.
always swinging back and forth..between the two.
not you.
never you.
I love[d].
only you.
I loved.
only a few.
and you will continue calling.
continue stalling.
and you will never know life.
without me.
just as i am.
without he.

the way it is to be.
forced upon me.

me.

my babies.

three.

and did you tell me..
there is a girl in the garden?
did you tell me that she's stong?
did you tell me that she's waiting...?
she will give up before long.

I can feel her coming.
coming on.
but I am tired of waiting.
stringing me along.

I've been waiting.
far too long.
waiting for her.
now I'm moving.

moving on.

moving on.

July 27, 2006

In life...
even in this Life
I have discovered sometimes death seems...
a choice at times.
When the loneliness seeps into the bones...
Even now...
I see the beauty in an end.
In the option of...
The option of knowing-

I have tried to live.
I am trying
but... the life I am living-
the life that is living me
Is not mine.
Is not really my choice,
My Will.
Rather like a placement.
I feel a never ending
lapse in time.
That I myself am that lapse.

The skipping of a cd
Your favorite song
on your favorite album...
just as it arrives upon the best line-

The piece of factory sewn cloth stitched in just such a way that it never fits quite right. If you tear the stitch to make it right.. you will rip the garmet.
So.. it continues to hang in your closet... never to actually be worn-

That is me.
That is this life.
This life I am living.

The pieces around me
never seem to fit
The puzzle- broken
then started agian
for Years this way.
I could speak on this for hours
Similies, analagies
The pieces, the puzzle, and I.
but, I choose not to.
(I don't even think I am in the right box.)

The desire is indiscribable.
I would like to meet someone...
who yearns like this
A meeting of the minds.
To relate...
to know what the aching is
The pang in my chest
Hunger in my belly
Passion- UNFULLFILLED.

This is why I keep living
My thirst, the hunger
Driving me...
knowing there is
Something-
there is so much
left yet to see.
Left yet to be done.

The fact I believe in the possibilty
that in reality
I will find this destiny

be it small even...
if it is mine...
if it is TRUE desire

the worth is immeaserable.

I want *THAT* Life.

The aching.
The waiting.

When will it begin?

I am living so that life may be lived.
but if it never is to be...
if this is all that will be of me
this burning- this lust
this wantingness and awareness
of all that could be
yet unattainable
then why wait in agony? In Vain? in grief?

This is the oppisite of not feeling.
My heart is not grey!
My heart is red.. autumn crimsin..scarlet...violet..plum...gold and silver
bleeding! exploding! crying!
but, hardend... and overcast.

the decay around me is not my decay...
rather my Nemisis

I have eaten from the
Tree of Knowledge
and this is my punishment
Still-

The chains that bind me
the hinderenece that presents itself
in sheep's cloak
This is my burden.

This is my death.
Yes this will be the death
This will be the death.

Jesus Tree (Why I'm a Christian)

I guess by now you've heard that I've got a crush on Jesus.
I'm sure my Daddy loves it when I use that line.
If there had to be a man
he might as well be a dead man
If there had to be a man
you know he might as well be dead
Cuz every man I've ever known has left me far behind
Why should it be any different this time?
--

Chorus:
But, there is something so sureen about that Jesus Tree
The kind of Power to bring me to my knees
And there is so much more about these thoughts
I wish that I could write
But I'm not getting crucified tonight.

--

I always thought it would be fun to be a Catholic
But I don't have the time to convert.
I would drink any wine
A young priest could bring to my lips
Just to taste your blood on my tongue
Oh... and I would take of the body
Keep my faith alive!

-- Chorus--

Sometimes I say my prayers
When I turn out the light.
Then spark up every candle with your picture on the outside

God I havn't been to church in something like 10 years
Sunday I'm always hung over
and by noon I'm drinking beer.

And I hope this isn't sacralidge
I mean... I hope you understand
IF THE HAD TO BE A MAN
HE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.
IF THERE HAD TO BE A MAN
YOU KNOW HE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

--
chorus 2x

by: Mia
October 26, 2006

I had a dream and you were there
I forgot that we had ever loved at all
that there was a past
maybe you were just a boy I saw in passing
a familiar face from a party

but, now that I am awake
I can see you in my mind ...
remembering .. how you looked last night
in my dream [and always]
Your blonde hair
and pink hoodie [isn't that funny?]
it should have been red, you know
worn and hole-y with pockets in the front to rest [my] hands

I think it is funny [sad] I'm still talking about you
Yeah I said I think it is funny [sad] I'm still thinking about you
that I dream of you at night.

I wonder do you ever think of me
Do I ever haunt your sleep
and am I a stranger there

I don't even know if you still live in this town.
Only in my mind do I see you around....

I ran in the fire

I waited in the alcove
I sang in the rain
I danced and drank the wine

Still you, no show

So... I waded in the creek bed
and communed with the forest
I kissed the faeries
and licked the leaves
and pressed them to my skin

Still you, no show

So...
I sat inside Sequia
I dreamt a little dream
I woke up drenched in the dew of morning

Still, no you

So... I bathed in the fountain
and rolled in the moss
I ate the sweet, purple berries from the vine

Still, no you

So.. I walked to the fields
and ate the mushrooms of the valley
I cloud watched in the hay
I saw your face up in the heavens
and the birds sang to me
the wind whisperd
your name
my name

So... I met you in the swamp land
I walked into the drudge
I reached out to hold your hand

You pull me near and drag me down
deep, deep into the darkness
in the blackness
in the mud
the snakes crawling through our intertwined bodies
while you underess me
we make love
there...
under the river
'neth the tide
'a top the sludge

I'm breathing in your oxygen
through your mouth
your tongue

I thought I might die there
that you would leave me
abandoned deep beneth
While on the shore you play violen
a somber song of loss
you sing
while the reptiles feed of me

but inside this thought
I came
Rising from the water
and high above I could see
no man left
no women
no flesh
of
breast or bone

Just the rippling in the water..
of the gators swimming softly
and this serpent
still coiled , warm, against my chest.

~Mia